I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
