Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
