Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
