We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
