Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
