The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
