I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All I want is dick and wine.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
