3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
