guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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