Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
