My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
