Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
