he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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