The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize