On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
