my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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