He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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