I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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