I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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