I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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