11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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