bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
