He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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