On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize