Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
