On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
