I just pynch a tree in the face
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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