Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
