everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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