Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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