Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
