Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So much rum. So many feels.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize