??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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