i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
