as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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