when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Randomize
