I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
