allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
