omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We had sex on a dog bed..
You ruined the universe
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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