My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
