My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
