Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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