so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
