we have officially mastered the walk of shame
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
