theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
