so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
