Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
