Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
