How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
