I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Your cock deserves a montage
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
