Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
