Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
