I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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