You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
