Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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