Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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