so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
