He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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