Tell her she can't have a vagina
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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