omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
