just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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