i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
