Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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