he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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