Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
