he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
