Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just invented taco cereal.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
