Cold hands, warm shart.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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