Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
