i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
