She is in my trunk
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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