my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
