We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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