He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
