I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I smell stomach acid.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My ass is underappreciated
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
