i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
