i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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