Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
