she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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